Feeling Like a Broken Record

Mar 16, 2011

Hopefully the younger Flirts out there will at least have an idea of what a record is….otherwise imagine a CD with a scratch on it that keeps skipping and playing the same part over and over. That’s a bit how I feel about today’s post. My message isn’t entirely new, but I think valuable in expressing what yoga can do in your life.

Yesterday I had my first TV news interview and it was AMAZING, fun and just darn natural. This is incredible because of who and how I was in the past, before yoga and Yoga Flirt.

Once upon a time I wanted to be an actress, do commercials and have what I thought was an “easy” life. Silly me!! First, I completely froze in front of cameras. Nothing would come out or when it did I would be visibly trembling and my voice would waiver. Many times I would be on the verge of tears.

I know now I reacted that way because I saw myself as small and was sure the world only saw me that way too, and that everyone was laughing at me. These feelings were certainly fueled by the fact that I was laughed at and teased constantly as a child. As a young adult I hadn’t been able to move beyond those feelings and memories.

Over time, with lots of practice and dedicated internal work, I began to change the way I see myself. Somewhere along the way in the past 15 years I stopped noticing my small exterior package and began to recognize how big I am on the inside. I would say this deep transformation really took place on a very specific day during my first yoga teacher training in 2006, so five years ago now.

Since I see my self as a big person with a big message, this is how I project myself. I know that others see me that way, too. Just the other day Angela said to me that she looked at a picture of me with some of the other staff members and she noticed how tiny I am. I get that reaction from people from time to time. They have known me for a while but suddenly one day see my exterior package and go, “Wow. You’re really small.” To which I always answer, “But only on the outside. I’m big on the inside.”

Back to the TV news interview. I was completely calm. Not one ounce of nervousness, I was comfortable and happy to be there, to spread the message of Yoga Flirt and the upcoming Kicking Cancer Carnival. No trembles, no voice waivers and definitely no tears. In fact, there were quite a few smiles and plenty of laughter to go around.

Most importantly, this change in me took time. It certainly did not happen over night. It took a loooooong time, 10 years just to get to the point where I began to see myself differently and 5 years of practicing living from that place brought me to the place where I was yesterday.

There is a Yoga Sutra that explains this process so perfectly. Sutra 1.14 says “Practice becomes firmly grounded when well attended to for a long time, without break and in all earnestness.” If you are yearning for a deep, internal transformation like I have experienced it is so important to keep this in mind. You need to stay with your yoga practice for many years without taking long breaks and you must be very sincere about your approach to it. Also, I think it is key that once you discover your own transformation you don’t stop practicing. If I had stopped 5 years ago when I had my particular a-ha during teaching training I would not have cultivated the skills of living as a big-on-the-inside person.

You can transform the way you see yourself and the way the world sees you. I know this because I did it. It takes time, practice and patience. Hang in there, believe and trust that the same is true for you.

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